My job and my personal life often (if not always) overlap quite a bit. In the past few years I have had to figure out how to co-parent with my ex-husband as well as help others figure out this tricky skill at work. First of all let me say that co-parenting is perhaps the most awkward of roles. Here is another adult you at one point loved but now you probably hate and yet you still have to communicate about how to raise your children. While I am certainly not perfect in this role, here are a few things that have worked for me or that I have seen work well for my clients. It goes without saying that the better you can hone this relationship the better chance your children have at prevailing through a divorce. You don't have to feel like a dummy like I often did in the early years of my divorce.
1. Have a really AWESOME SUITCASE for each child. Just like letting a child pick out their big boy/big girl underwear when you start potty training, let your child pick out their suitcase. At my house right now the suitcases are Angry Birds and Ninja Turtles and they have...WHEELS. When it is time to go to dad's, I lay out the suitcases and tell my boys to fill them with whatever they want to take. They pick stuffed animals and toys and blankets and games. This is also how I make sure to stay organized about getting the proper uniforms, asthma inhalers, school forms, and shoes to my ex-husband. If he needs to see it, it goes in one of the suitcases.
2. USE SCHOOL as the drop-off and pick-up spot whenever possible. Let's face it, seeing your ex every few days just creates more room for conflict. And while I actually get along pretty well with my boys' dad I don't want to have him in my home for a cup of coffee in the afternoons. On the days my kids are with him, he picks them up from school. He also takes them to school in the mornings instead of bringing them back to my house. Because we do it this way, seeing him at soccer games or school events isn't as big of a deal. Even the worst enemies can be nice an hour or two a week.
3. DON'T TALK ABOUT MONEY in person. Money is always a charged topic, and while I promote getting exact wording about money in writing don't use your child's basketball game to remind your ex about the check they owe you for school supplies. Instead send one email a week with any expenses or questions you have. Keeping things at the email level helps you stay in neutral about a sticky topic.
4. HAVE OFF-LIMITS SUBJECTS with your ex. Keep conversations on the kids as much as possible. Don't chat with your ex about your dating life or his family or other topics that may cause controversy.
5. STILL LAUGH. The lighter you can keep this relationship, the better. I realize in the heat of a divorce laughing with your former spouse seems like a ridiculous idea. But as things calm down it's ok to let your ex know something funny your child did or said. Keeping the relationship light helps things not be so tense around your children. They will pick up on tension between parents as well as remember that mom and dad could still laugh sometimes after the divorce.
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