Kids and Divorce

I was quoted in an article! I speak from both professional and personal experience about the important topic of divorce and kids.

http://parentingsquad.com/talking-to-kids-about-divorce

Rap to Connect. Word.

People always ask me what they would do in counseling.  I think they picture coming in and sitting on the couch and either staring at each other or sharing their darkest secrets.  While I do quite a bit of "talk" therapy with my clients I also do art, play, and writing therapy.  Basically I am looking for ways to connect with clients and help them heal emotionally.  Not being in a good place emotionally can lead to problems physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I strongly believe that being with people during painful times in their lives is what God designed me to do.  I am willing to think outside the box about connecting with my clients in a way that works for them.  Recently with an adolescent boy I was struggling to connect.  We were doing some of the staring at each other people picture counseling being like.  Finally I asked him what kind of music he likes.  Rap.  Sweet I can rap.  My client looked at me like I was 80 years old.  He didn't think I was capable.  So I challenged him to a rap-off.

Below is the rap I wrote to start the challenge.  Drew was not my client's real name.  We started writing raps about what is going on with him each week.  He is no longer in counseling because he figured out a way to communicate with his parents...rapping.

Drew's Rap

Drew, Drew why you so blue?

Your parents want me to figure it out for you. 

You come to my office with your hoodie on, 

You stay up so late and sleep way past dawn.

You say your only interest is rap, 

That's cool I'm down with that.  

Here's my question for you big Drew

Can you express to me what's going on inside of you?

Is it guilt or sadness or frustration or being mad?

Write me a rap all about it and I'd be so glad.

We can write raps for the rest of our sessions

As long as you give me some sort of expression. 

No more coming in my office and saying nothin' 

Either we can be friends or you can keep on runnin'.

Word. 

Being Kind to Yourself

I've been speaking at various groups lately about the idea of self care.  Are you kind to yourself?  Do you know what being kind to yourself looks like?  When I went to counseling for 2 years several years ago my therapist always told me to be nice to myself.  As nice to myself as I was to others.  What does that even mean?

While I was in counseling I went through the process of defining what self care looks like to ME.  I would encourage you to explore this idea for YOU.  Get away from distractions (kids, home, work, for some noise, etc) and think about a time in your life when you were most happy.  For me that time was working at a backpacking camp in the summers in college.  Ask yourself what were the components of that time?  In my scenario it was being outside, deep relationships with people, faith, intellect, exercise, creativity, and music.  Those are the components that make me happy and come alive.  Maybe your scenario is at the beach or in high school or right after getting married.  Write down your components.

When I start to feel drained I think about which of the above components might be missing for me and start adding them back in to my life weekly.  I am taking care of myself when I am outside at least 30 minutes a day, when I surround myself with interesting, healthy relationships with others, when I go to church or seek spiritual things, when I exercise nearly every day, when I am creative- through writing, a special date with my kids, art, or a project of some sort, when I am reading, and when I either listen to music often or go hear a band play or sing in church.  I have to have these components in my life in order to be a mom, a therapist, daughter, sister, friend, etc.  They are a priority to me.

So feeling drained?  What's missing?  How could you go be kind to yourself right now?  Maybe your components are reading novels, or going out on the town, or cooking, or trying a new restaurant, or sex, or taking bubble baths, or hiking, or going to the lake, or looking at the stars, or building something, or gardening.  Figure out what you need and add it back in to your life! Put it in your calendar and be kind to yourself!

Triggers of Insecurity

In my last post I shared a definition of insecurity and a few ways it plays out in my own life.  This post is all about triggers.  It has been surprising for me that certain things I've never considered trigger my own insecurity.  The biggest thing you can do to rid yourself of insecurity is figure out where and how it strikes.  It may not be where you think. Many women are insecure about their bodies, some about work/career, some about parenting, some about their marriages, or money, or their clothes, or their kids' activities.  Figure out the areas in your life when you start to doubt your worth.  Think about the times in your day when a little twinge (or sometimes a big punch) of "yuck" creeps in.  Where are you? Who is around? What are you doing? Write these thoughts down.

To be perfectly candid...my number one area of insecurity is mothering.  The cycle started when I got pregnant before I was ready.  I was going to have a career built first!  My marriage was going to be in a better place!  I was going to have a diet and exercise plan in place so I would only gain minimal weight while pregnant! And then when my beautiful first born son came...I was going to be the best mom ever! I was going to easily form deep connections with my kids and always have enough energy to meet their needs!  Postpartum depression?  Not for me! We were going to be the most fun house ever! There wouldn't be chores or tasks weighing me down, no way.  Looking back I was setting myself up for an insecure nightmare.

There are two parts of my day when my insecurity strikes: 1. When I am home alone with my boys between about 1-4pm, and 2. Between 9-11pm after my boys go to bed.  It is those two times when the "yuck" feelings surface..."I'm not good enough.  I'm not patient enough.  We should have done something bigger, better, more fun today.  I got overwhelmed by tasks instead of playing with my kids again."  You know the drill.  Maybe your physical locations are the gym.  Or the mall.  Or out to dinner.  Maybe the people you are around include other women, your husband, certain girlfriends, or your parents.

Once I pinpointed my target I was able to start making positive changes.  FOR ME, I...
1. Choose my mom friends carefully.  I am pretty protective of who my kids and I hang out with and try to choose women who encourage me as a mother rather than those who trigger insecurities.
2. I take breaks from Facebook/technology.  Seeing all the fun things other moms are doing with their kids makes me overwhelmed and feel like I am not doing enough with my own.  When I can quiet my spirit and make a plan that works for us, we all do better.
3. I work! I love my job.  Not working was an insecure trap for me and created more days at home during my yuck hours.
4. I have a list on my fridge reminding me to capitalize on my strengths as a mom.

What do you need to do FOR YOU?

Insecure?

Insecurity...what a tricky, nasty struggle we all have and we all wish we didn't.  I've been doing a study on insecurity this summer and have been surprised to find ways this problem rears its ugly head in my own life.  I tend to pride myself in being a strong, competent, accomplished woman.  But when it comes to parenting?  Sometimes insecure.  What about running a home? Often insecure.  Body image? Occasionally insecure.  Being a kind ex-wife? Flat-out insecure.  Dating again? Uhhh. In-sec-ure.  All women have ways insecurities bubble up inside them, and we all have triggers that cause them to spew out.  While I wish I could report doing a study on insecurity has solved any lack of confidence in ALL situations, I have found some things that have helped me and the other women in my group.  And I'm getting better.  Maybe even close to 60% confident and secure.  :)

These are some thoughts, tidbits, and quotes I've found helpful from Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity:

-Men want women to get a grip and don't like the pressure of being in charge of our sense of value, (p. 8)
-"Are we honestly going to insist on drawing our security from people- men or women- who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give to their estimation of us?" (p. 9) Don't hand over power to people.
-Are your insecurities substantial enough to hurt, limit, or even distract you from effectiveness or fulfillment of purpose? (p. 15)  Are they cheating you out of being fully alive?

Definition of Insecurity:
Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.  The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.  (p. 17)

-Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism.  (p. 19) This is where the 60/40 rule can help! (see below post)
-Insecurity can also be disguised as peace-making, intensity, not enjoying relationships, anger, fear of loss, and laziness.

It was profound for me to figure out that insecurity doesn't have to look like needy little eating disordered women who are too shy to go on a date or look another woman in the eye.  It can come out in many ways!  Keep reading this blog or schedule a time with me to figure out how to kick insecurity out of your life and become more fully alive!

A Yogi?

Since the summer after 8th grade I have always incorporated some sort of physical activity into my life.  It was that summer that this slow, white, asthmatic girl surprised my parents with my announcement to join the cross country team.  Thus began my long journey in running which evolved over time into yoga.  I now practice yoga at least three times a week.  My mat has become a place where I re-group, pray, focus, and let go.  Recently I decided to add some things to my mat that I want to bring with me into the yoga room.  I was very selective about what made the cut.  I try to keep my life simple and didn't want clutter around me during my practice.  Here is what I chose...
1. A picture of my boys...if I do nothing else in life well I want to be a great mother at least 60% of the time
2. My business card...reminds me to pray for my clients, think about my vision for work...creating a space for people to come and gain the emotional healing they need to be fully alive
3. My favorite Scripture...I believe healing happens when we look at things in a balanced way...while I am practicing the physical activity of yoga I also want to focus on my faith, intelligence, and emotional self. 
4. A list of the 12 Steps.  Several members of my family have worked the 12 Steps and I find them valuable to incorporate into my life as well. 
5. A photograph of a banana.  LOL.  It was the only food photo I could find in my art supply box that represented what I wanted here...when I am doing physical activity I am truly trying to find the connection between what I eat and how I feel.  For many months I have focused on organic foods and now am leaning toward a plant based diet for awhile to fuel myself correctly. 

Perhaps I will add something or take away something over time but these are the things that are important to me right now.

Courage

My older son has been watching kids go off the low diving board at the pool all summer.  He isn't tall enough to do the slides but a lifeguard told him he could do the low dive.  Yesterday when we had our older neighbor friend with us at the pool Tommy decided it was the day.  I was nervous.  I stood right on the edge of the pool in case I had to jump in and get him.  I wasn't sure if he understood what a big swim it was to the edge after jumping in.  In his own little quiet, confident way he walked over the board and stood in line behind all the middle school kids that looked enormous to me.  When it was his turn he didn't look back at his brother or me.  He walked to the edge, took a deep breath and seemed to reach deep inside himself, and jumped.  I was so proud of him.  SO proud.  But then it seemed like it took forever to get to the ladder.  I wasn't sure how he would respond when he got out of the pool.  Hank and I gave him high fives and said, "Alright!!"  He semi-smiled and...walked back over to the diving board line.  I hope I am as courageous as he is someday. 

Out with the Old List, In with the New!

It seems like every mom I talked to in May had a "Summer Bucket List." A list of exciting things they were going to do with their kids: 1. Go to the Zoo, 2. Visit a water park, 3. Adopt a pet.  You get the idea. 

As a recovering people pleaser AND one to always feel like I should be doing what everyone else is doing, I had my list ready to go by June 1.  (Last summer I was apparently more on my A-game and had the list ready by Memorial Day).  For the past 20 days I have been busting my ass bottom to either do or schedule our list, shown below. 

1. Blueberry Patch
2. Science City
3. Lego Land
4. Have a garage sale
5. Find muffin, cookie, and popscicle recipes we all like and are good for us. Cook them together.
6. Do art projects once a week
7. Zoo
8. Chuck-E-Cheese
9. Have all the boys from Tommy's Pre-K class over for play time
10. Have a picnic in Loose Park

Seems like it would be pretty easy to do those 10 things, right?  So far we have done or at least made an attempt to do half of the list. I'll go for one more and then stop.  I'm tired.  The problem is that the list doesn't include stuff like go to the library, read books, lay around in our underwear, play with the sprinkler in the backyard, go to the pool 5 days in a row, go to Colorado twice, sleep in, etc.  All the normal stuff we are going to do anyway. 

SO.  I'm making a new list.  To-do lists make me feel like crap about myself.  I never get everything done on them and feel like a failure at the end of the day.  I'm a pretty productive person, and I usually accomplish many things in my waking hours.  They just may not be what I wrote down or what I thought needed doing.  With my kids and my business for the rest of the summer I am going to write down what I did AFTER the fact.  I'm encouraging my clients to do the same.  Here's this week's list so far:

1. Tried Lego Land but decided it was too expensive and I didn't want to wait in line for an hour.  Went in the free gift shop and bought each of my kids a $3 lego man.  Told them it was so awesome to see all those legos and went and played in the Crown Center fountains and free dino exhibit for the rest of the day. 
2. Slept in 2x
3. Had a friend on our street over to play
4. Played hide-and-seek
5. Went to the pool and got my hair wet so Hank could jump to me
6. Boys played in the backyard sprinkler in their underwear
7. Got some new books and movies from the library.  Read some
8. Snuck some flax seed oil and protein powder in a no-bake cookie
9. Took business gift cards and brochures to 3 churches, made a bunch of calls to churches
10. Went to yoga twice

I feel so much better!

One Note at a Time

My oldest son is learning to play the piano this summer.  I love hearing his little, clumsy fingers hit the keys each morning.  I have been struck by how just learning one or two notes each week has helped him learn many songs by now.  In the below video you will see a beautiful display of how adding to one instrument creates a beautiful chorus.  What steps do you need to take in your life to create your own 'Ode to Joy?'  You may be just one instrument or note but what would it take to make a chorus?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GBaHPND2QJg

The Sixty/Forty Rule

Somewhere along my journey I heard about something called the 60/40 rule.  When it was described to me I thought it was ridiculous.  The idea behind the rule is that most people do things well about 60% of the time.  Yes 60 is the percentage of time I am a patient, loving mom, teach my children values, get the work done I want to in a day, laugh as much as I want to, am engaged and present in what is going on around me, have a good outfit on, make it to church on time, have my house clean, know the right thing to say to my clients, and am a caring friend, daughter, sister, and ex-wife. 

"Shouldn't this percentage be at least 80/20?" I've thought to myself.  The idea of 80/20 seems much more like what other people are doing. One of my friends has great hair 100/0.  Surely I could make it on at least a few things to 80/20. But over the last few years every time I strive for more than 60/40 I fail.  For me, more than 60/40 doesn't leave room for grace, humility, rest, and letting go.  There is something beautiful that happens when you lower your expectations a bit.  I smile more when I mess up.  I stop and pray when I'm trying to do more than I should.  I trust God and others to fill in the gaps instead of just myself. 

My boys and I are 60/40 people.  We've been through a lot.  We aren't perfect.  We're counting on the messy 40% to be made beautiful somehow.  We know 100% that happiness in our lives is both already but not yet.  So for now we'll take the 60% we can handle and let go of the 40 we can't.