A journey toward a balanced life...
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Being Royal
Something really cool happened in my life last month. Actually two really cool things happened. 1. The Kansas City Royals made it to the World Series, and 2. Someone gave my sons and I World Series tickets for Game 2.
I don't share much about my personal life in counseling sessions for obvious reasons. But one thing most of my clients know is that I love the Kansas City Royals. Born and raised in Kansas City, I grew up pretending to be George Brett, Bret Saberhagen, and Dan Quisenberry from the 1985 World Series Team in my backyard. I wasn't very good (read 3 hits in 5 years) when I attempted softball during my youth, but I spent the summers at the baseball fields cheering for both of my brothers. The Royals haven't been good (read terrible) since the 1985 team. This means my whole life since I was in Kindergarten the Royals haven't given Kansas City much to cheer for. But my parents still took us to games and I still took my sons to games...for 29 long years.
I was looking at Facebook a few years ago with my oldest son and came across some pictures of my St. Louis friends in their Cardinals gear at a playoff game. "Mom that looks fun," my son said "Why doesn't that happen in Kansas City?" I gave him the standard mom answer that maybe it would soon, it wasn't our time, etc., but secretly---I was jealous.
September 30, 2014: The Royals win the Wildcard Game to get into the playoffs in 12 long innings. My sons, at the magical baseball ages of 5 and 7, are thrilled and pick out new Royals jerseys at the store. We start talking a lot about what it means to "Be Royal:" have a good attitude, bless others, be nice, show good sportsmanship, etc.
Early October 2014: The Royals sweep both the LA Angels and the Baltimore Orioles to win the American League Championship. We watch the games with family and friends and have the most fun we've had in years cheering for OUR team. For the first time ever I bought at long sleeve Royals shirt- I've never needed gear in cold weather.
Late October 2014: My mom and dad give my almost 8 year old son the gift that will never be forgotten: a ticket to World Series Game two sitting next to his uncle. My parents would be watching on TV from home. They wanted their son and grandson to go in their place. Talk about a sacrifice!
One day later in October 2014: Someone that wishes to remain anonymous sent me an email saying she would like to give me 2 World Series tickets with no other expectation than I bless someone else down the road. I was so moved by the gesture of kindness that I burst into tears. The tickets were for the same game and in the same section as my brother and older son were sitting. I called my parents to offer the tickets to them since they had so generously given my son his ticket. They said, "Looks like you and your youngest are going to the World Series!"
The experience of taking my sons to a game with my brother was unbelievable. It's truly something that is hard to describe, but that I pray my sons will remember forever. The blessing the angel that gave us the tickets offered me was the chance to see my son's faces and be present with them at a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
If I could, I would very much do my job and not get paid. I consider what I do an honor, and I wish I could not charge my clients for counseling. Unfortunately though I have little mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay without another source of income. :) I have chosen to pay the grand gesture of being given World Series tickets forward by seeing a very worthy client of mine for free in 2015. I'm going to share my "Royal" experience with this client at her next session, and I know she will in turn bless someone else. I am struck how the idea of "Being Royal" could transform our city, just like it did my October. Imagine if we all chose to bless someone in a royal, grand way! "Be Royal KC"
I don't share much about my personal life in counseling sessions for obvious reasons. But one thing most of my clients know is that I love the Kansas City Royals. Born and raised in Kansas City, I grew up pretending to be George Brett, Bret Saberhagen, and Dan Quisenberry from the 1985 World Series Team in my backyard. I wasn't very good (read 3 hits in 5 years) when I attempted softball during my youth, but I spent the summers at the baseball fields cheering for both of my brothers. The Royals haven't been good (read terrible) since the 1985 team. This means my whole life since I was in Kindergarten the Royals haven't given Kansas City much to cheer for. But my parents still took us to games and I still took my sons to games...for 29 long years.
I was looking at Facebook a few years ago with my oldest son and came across some pictures of my St. Louis friends in their Cardinals gear at a playoff game. "Mom that looks fun," my son said "Why doesn't that happen in Kansas City?" I gave him the standard mom answer that maybe it would soon, it wasn't our time, etc., but secretly---I was jealous.
September 30, 2014: The Royals win the Wildcard Game to get into the playoffs in 12 long innings. My sons, at the magical baseball ages of 5 and 7, are thrilled and pick out new Royals jerseys at the store. We start talking a lot about what it means to "Be Royal:" have a good attitude, bless others, be nice, show good sportsmanship, etc.
Early October 2014: The Royals sweep both the LA Angels and the Baltimore Orioles to win the American League Championship. We watch the games with family and friends and have the most fun we've had in years cheering for OUR team. For the first time ever I bought at long sleeve Royals shirt- I've never needed gear in cold weather.
Late October 2014: My mom and dad give my almost 8 year old son the gift that will never be forgotten: a ticket to World Series Game two sitting next to his uncle. My parents would be watching on TV from home. They wanted their son and grandson to go in their place. Talk about a sacrifice!
One day later in October 2014: Someone that wishes to remain anonymous sent me an email saying she would like to give me 2 World Series tickets with no other expectation than I bless someone else down the road. I was so moved by the gesture of kindness that I burst into tears. The tickets were for the same game and in the same section as my brother and older son were sitting. I called my parents to offer the tickets to them since they had so generously given my son his ticket. They said, "Looks like you and your youngest are going to the World Series!"
The experience of taking my sons to a game with my brother was unbelievable. It's truly something that is hard to describe, but that I pray my sons will remember forever. The blessing the angel that gave us the tickets offered me was the chance to see my son's faces and be present with them at a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
If I could, I would very much do my job and not get paid. I consider what I do an honor, and I wish I could not charge my clients for counseling. Unfortunately though I have little mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay without another source of income. :) I have chosen to pay the grand gesture of being given World Series tickets forward by seeing a very worthy client of mine for free in 2015. I'm going to share my "Royal" experience with this client at her next session, and I know she will in turn bless someone else. I am struck how the idea of "Being Royal" could transform our city, just like it did my October. Imagine if we all chose to bless someone in a royal, grand way! "Be Royal KC"
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Co-Parenting For Dummies
My job and my personal life often (if not always) overlap quite a bit. In the past few years I have had to figure out how to co-parent with my ex-husband as well as help others figure out this tricky skill at work. First of all let me say that co-parenting is perhaps the most awkward of roles. Here is another adult you at one point loved but now you probably hate and yet you still have to communicate about how to raise your children. While I am certainly not perfect in this role, here are a few things that have worked for me or that I have seen work well for my clients. It goes without saying that the better you can hone this relationship the better chance your children have at prevailing through a divorce. You don't have to feel like a dummy like I often did in the early years of my divorce.
1. Have a really AWESOME SUITCASE for each child. Just like letting a child pick out their big boy/big girl underwear when you start potty training, let your child pick out their suitcase. At my house right now the suitcases are Angry Birds and Ninja Turtles and they have...WHEELS. When it is time to go to dad's, I lay out the suitcases and tell my boys to fill them with whatever they want to take. They pick stuffed animals and toys and blankets and games. This is also how I make sure to stay organized about getting the proper uniforms, asthma inhalers, school forms, and shoes to my ex-husband. If he needs to see it, it goes in one of the suitcases.
2. USE SCHOOL as the drop-off and pick-up spot whenever possible. Let's face it, seeing your ex every few days just creates more room for conflict. And while I actually get along pretty well with my boys' dad I don't want to have him in my home for a cup of coffee in the afternoons. On the days my kids are with him, he picks them up from school. He also takes them to school in the mornings instead of bringing them back to my house. Because we do it this way, seeing him at soccer games or school events isn't as big of a deal. Even the worst enemies can be nice an hour or two a week.
3. DON'T TALK ABOUT MONEY in person. Money is always a charged topic, and while I promote getting exact wording about money in writing don't use your child's basketball game to remind your ex about the check they owe you for school supplies. Instead send one email a week with any expenses or questions you have. Keeping things at the email level helps you stay in neutral about a sticky topic.
4. HAVE OFF-LIMITS SUBJECTS with your ex. Keep conversations on the kids as much as possible. Don't chat with your ex about your dating life or his family or other topics that may cause controversy.
5. STILL LAUGH. The lighter you can keep this relationship, the better. I realize in the heat of a divorce laughing with your former spouse seems like a ridiculous idea. But as things calm down it's ok to let your ex know something funny your child did or said. Keeping the relationship light helps things not be so tense around your children. They will pick up on tension between parents as well as remember that mom and dad could still laugh sometimes after the divorce.
Still need some fresh ideas or help navigating this relationship? Book an appointment today!
1. Have a really AWESOME SUITCASE for each child. Just like letting a child pick out their big boy/big girl underwear when you start potty training, let your child pick out their suitcase. At my house right now the suitcases are Angry Birds and Ninja Turtles and they have...WHEELS. When it is time to go to dad's, I lay out the suitcases and tell my boys to fill them with whatever they want to take. They pick stuffed animals and toys and blankets and games. This is also how I make sure to stay organized about getting the proper uniforms, asthma inhalers, school forms, and shoes to my ex-husband. If he needs to see it, it goes in one of the suitcases.
2. USE SCHOOL as the drop-off and pick-up spot whenever possible. Let's face it, seeing your ex every few days just creates more room for conflict. And while I actually get along pretty well with my boys' dad I don't want to have him in my home for a cup of coffee in the afternoons. On the days my kids are with him, he picks them up from school. He also takes them to school in the mornings instead of bringing them back to my house. Because we do it this way, seeing him at soccer games or school events isn't as big of a deal. Even the worst enemies can be nice an hour or two a week.
3. DON'T TALK ABOUT MONEY in person. Money is always a charged topic, and while I promote getting exact wording about money in writing don't use your child's basketball game to remind your ex about the check they owe you for school supplies. Instead send one email a week with any expenses or questions you have. Keeping things at the email level helps you stay in neutral about a sticky topic.
4. HAVE OFF-LIMITS SUBJECTS with your ex. Keep conversations on the kids as much as possible. Don't chat with your ex about your dating life or his family or other topics that may cause controversy.
5. STILL LAUGH. The lighter you can keep this relationship, the better. I realize in the heat of a divorce laughing with your former spouse seems like a ridiculous idea. But as things calm down it's ok to let your ex know something funny your child did or said. Keeping the relationship light helps things not be so tense around your children. They will pick up on tension between parents as well as remember that mom and dad could still laugh sometimes after the divorce.
Still need some fresh ideas or help navigating this relationship? Book an appointment today!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Speak the Positive
I've learned a very valuable lesson from my son's 1st grade teacher this year: Speak the Positive. My normally well behaved son came home with a S- on his report card after the first quarter of 1st grade. After I got over the urge to tell him we don't earn minuses in this house or figure out how this must surely be his dad's fault I decided to go chat with his teacher. She informed me that my son was acting silly constantly and distracting other kids from getting their work done. "Oh NO!" I thought. "What are we going to do!?" I pictured having to pay private school tuition. I pictured my son going to the special school for kids with behavior problems. I pictured paying someone a lot of money to do play therapy with him since his own therapist mom apparently wasn't getting the job done. Sensing my panic, his teacher told me she was going to start praising him for every positive thing he did in class. "That's IT?" I thought. There was no way that was going to work.
My conference with my son's teacher was on a Friday. All weekend I talked to him about how we can't be silly at school, only sometimes at home. I brought home my self control workbooks from work and did activities with him about controlling his silliness. We made a silly meter so he could monitor how silly he was getting and see if it was over the line. We talked about how some silly ideas you have to keep to yourself instead of sharing with others and distracting them. We practiced not being silly at the dinner table. This is a NO SILLY ZONE!
Monday morning came. The seven minute carpool to school was basically a sermon on not being silly. All day I was nervous. Was he going to act out today? Was this the pre-cursor to some huge problem down the road? Was my son going to ask me to bring him cigarettes in jail someday? I nervously drove up to the circle drive at 3:10pm to pick him up from school that afternoon. His teacher was sitting with him. "Oh God." As we approached my older son with his teacher my younger son body checked a kid he knows. "This is it," I thought. "She and everyone else here are about to tell me both my sons are problems and I am a horrible mother."
His teacher smiled. My son had a great day. And that day was the beginning of months of good days since. Astonished I asked him what made the difference. Surely it was my PhD level play therapy books and exercises the weekend before or getting his dad to spend extra time with him or creating a special outing for him in the weekend. "Oh," he said "Mrs. J told me all these awesome things I was doing today!" WHAT? THAT'S IT?
Over the next few weeks I started copying Mrs. J. Every. Single. Positive. Thing. he did I spoke aloud. "I see you are sitting quietly playing the iPad instead of rubbing snot on your brother-that's great!" "I'm so grateful you took your dish to the sink without being asked- thank you!" "I see you ate your bagel- great job!" "You made a basket in your game today-yea!" I've been ignoring everything else. The fact that he was rubbing snot on his brother right before, that I had to ask 3x on Tuesday night to take his plate to the sink before he took it Wednesday, that there were green beans on his plate along with his bagel, and that he could make a lot more baskets if he would practice.
As I've shifted my focus away from pointing out anything wrong and toward pointing out everything I can he is doing right I've seen a positive change in him. He is more willing to do the things I ask him to do. He speaks more positively to his brother. He is able to get his silliness under control when needed. It's amazing to me that such a simple shift has made such a profound impact. As parents we often get in a rut of pointing out only what is going wrong. It's easy to focus on all the stuff our kid needs to improve. But what about all the stuff they are doing well? When's the last time you told them so?
My conference with my son's teacher was on a Friday. All weekend I talked to him about how we can't be silly at school, only sometimes at home. I brought home my self control workbooks from work and did activities with him about controlling his silliness. We made a silly meter so he could monitor how silly he was getting and see if it was over the line. We talked about how some silly ideas you have to keep to yourself instead of sharing with others and distracting them. We practiced not being silly at the dinner table. This is a NO SILLY ZONE!
Monday morning came. The seven minute carpool to school was basically a sermon on not being silly. All day I was nervous. Was he going to act out today? Was this the pre-cursor to some huge problem down the road? Was my son going to ask me to bring him cigarettes in jail someday? I nervously drove up to the circle drive at 3:10pm to pick him up from school that afternoon. His teacher was sitting with him. "Oh God." As we approached my older son with his teacher my younger son body checked a kid he knows. "This is it," I thought. "She and everyone else here are about to tell me both my sons are problems and I am a horrible mother."
His teacher smiled. My son had a great day. And that day was the beginning of months of good days since. Astonished I asked him what made the difference. Surely it was my PhD level play therapy books and exercises the weekend before or getting his dad to spend extra time with him or creating a special outing for him in the weekend. "Oh," he said "Mrs. J told me all these awesome things I was doing today!" WHAT? THAT'S IT?
Over the next few weeks I started copying Mrs. J. Every. Single. Positive. Thing. he did I spoke aloud. "I see you are sitting quietly playing the iPad instead of rubbing snot on your brother-that's great!" "I'm so grateful you took your dish to the sink without being asked- thank you!" "I see you ate your bagel- great job!" "You made a basket in your game today-yea!" I've been ignoring everything else. The fact that he was rubbing snot on his brother right before, that I had to ask 3x on Tuesday night to take his plate to the sink before he took it Wednesday, that there were green beans on his plate along with his bagel, and that he could make a lot more baskets if he would practice.
As I've shifted my focus away from pointing out anything wrong and toward pointing out everything I can he is doing right I've seen a positive change in him. He is more willing to do the things I ask him to do. He speaks more positively to his brother. He is able to get his silliness under control when needed. It's amazing to me that such a simple shift has made such a profound impact. As parents we often get in a rut of pointing out only what is going wrong. It's easy to focus on all the stuff our kid needs to improve. But what about all the stuff they are doing well? When's the last time you told them so?
Giving Over Getting
God has to literally attack on all angles to teach me a lesson. Over and over again I seem to not get the point unless I am learning it at work, with my kids, and in my personal life. The latest lesson I am apparently supposed to learn is to focus on giving to other people rather than getting my needs met.
Often the couples I see are stuck in a getting rut. I'm not getting my needs met in this relationship!! I need more time with him or sex with her. I need more connection with him or respect from her. She needs to go back to work to earn more for us or he needs to give me more thoughtful gifts! Couples literally get caught in this cycle. I hear it all day long. He needs to help with the kids more and be a more engaged parent! She has let herself go and needs to spruce things up a bit! Like two year olds (or at my house three year olds because my boys were still nice at age 2) in the midst of a tantrum one or both parties in the couple are saying, "I'M NOT GETTING MY NEEDS MET!"
What I encourage couples to do, and I what I am trying to do with my kids, with my family, and in dating is to shift your focus. First make a gratitude list for the things the other person does give you. Laughter? Fun? Stability? Commitment? Memories? Financial security? Affection? Children? Great sex? Conversation? Even with the most distant couples there are a few things to be grateful for. Write them down.
Next I encourage couples to think about a need they have. This is the easy part. I need him to work less and spend more time with this family! I need her to have sex with me three times a week! Then I encourage each person to slow down long enough to think about what the other person needs in their specific situation. This is where the room gets silent for awhile. For example a man/woman that has to work all the time might need respect, appreciation, an encouraging text before a big meeting, low-key weekends or time away from the office, you to take their car for an oil change because they don't have time, etc. Someone that doesn't want to have sex very often might need some encouraging words, thoughtful gestures, help with the kids, a new dress, etc.
Now imagine what could happen when the focus shifts to the other person. Do you think a man who needs to work all the time may want to come home earlier if he knew his wife respected him, had tried to create a stress free environment, and sent him some encouragement that day? Do you think a woman who doesn't feel very sexy might be a little more able to be with her husband if he had given her a massage gift card and taken the kids for an afternoon?
Obviously these are stereotypical examples and obviously sometimes things are more complicated than this. Am I encouraging anyone to keep meeting the other person's needs if they get nothing in return over time? Of course not. Am I saying someone who was abused should feel like they have to sleep with their spouse because he gave her a massage card? Of course not. But I am saying that this Christmas season it might be fun to shift your focus to giving. What could you do for your spouse right now that would help you shift away from just getting your own needs met?
Monday, January 7, 2013
Why Play Therapy?
Ever since the Connecticut shootings several people have asked me about play therapy. What exactly is it? Does my kid need to come in? Why do kids do play therapy instead of regular therapy? I want to attempt to answer some of those questions here:
If you think about kids, they can't come to a counselor's office, sit down on the couch, and start talking about feelings. Many adults don't even know what they are feeling and definitely can't figure out why those feelings are making them behave poorly. It takes kids and adults some unique skills to deal with feelings like anger, sadness, and malaise in a positive manner. Most kids don't get this kind of training, so they become adults that can't communicate or work through things in a healthy way.
Play therapy provides kids a chance to act out what is going on inside them through play. Toys, games, and art projects are specifically chosen to allow children to tell me as the therapist what they are feeling. While to the naked eye it may look like parents are paying me to play with their kids, I am actually trained to look for problems and help kids work through them.
Recently I worked with a little boy that lost his mom last year. When he first came in he was pretty average so we started with the game most boys like to start with: army men. For a few weeks we played army men, cards, and read a feeling book for our sessions. After four times of coming in his mom and dad were wondering if play therapy was working. The boy was acting out at home, so I encouraged his parents to give me a few more sessions.
One week I noticed the way he played army men started to change. Instead of his usual aggressive attacking mode with all the men he began to single out one man and lay him down as if he had died. The other men always remained alive and went on about their battle. But the boy kept looking over to the one man to make sure he was ok on the other side of the rug by himself. I gently asked the boy what his concern was for the man down. He said, "Well if we keep having our battle over here but that guy is dead over there, isn't that mean to him?" BINGO.
From that point forward this boy and I were able to work through his feelings about his mother's death. He was afraid to go on about his own life and be happy because he didn't want to be unfair or mean to his mom in heaven. He was working so hard to keep himself together at school and not let his feelings spill out that he was acting out at home. As we did activities to let go of his mom and say goodbye to her (including sailing a boat down Brush Creek) he began to see that it was ok to be happy and go on living his life. His poor behavior at home is now nearly gone (expect for normal boy behavior). :)
I am passionate about this process for kids. I'm not sure there are many things more important than helping children sort through what is going on inside them. EVERY child needs play therapy at some point in their childhood- not just the ones who have been through a trauma. As parents the gift of teaching our kids not just to cope but thrive through difficult feelings is an incredible gift to give them.
My sessions with children are 30 minutes. I then meet with the parents for 20 minutes to explain what I am seeing and make suggestions for home. I believe God gave me the creative ability to tap into what is going on with kids inside, and I am consistently honored when parents allow me to do so with their child.
If you think about kids, they can't come to a counselor's office, sit down on the couch, and start talking about feelings. Many adults don't even know what they are feeling and definitely can't figure out why those feelings are making them behave poorly. It takes kids and adults some unique skills to deal with feelings like anger, sadness, and malaise in a positive manner. Most kids don't get this kind of training, so they become adults that can't communicate or work through things in a healthy way.
Play therapy provides kids a chance to act out what is going on inside them through play. Toys, games, and art projects are specifically chosen to allow children to tell me as the therapist what they are feeling. While to the naked eye it may look like parents are paying me to play with their kids, I am actually trained to look for problems and help kids work through them.
Recently I worked with a little boy that lost his mom last year. When he first came in he was pretty average so we started with the game most boys like to start with: army men. For a few weeks we played army men, cards, and read a feeling book for our sessions. After four times of coming in his mom and dad were wondering if play therapy was working. The boy was acting out at home, so I encouraged his parents to give me a few more sessions.
One week I noticed the way he played army men started to change. Instead of his usual aggressive attacking mode with all the men he began to single out one man and lay him down as if he had died. The other men always remained alive and went on about their battle. But the boy kept looking over to the one man to make sure he was ok on the other side of the rug by himself. I gently asked the boy what his concern was for the man down. He said, "Well if we keep having our battle over here but that guy is dead over there, isn't that mean to him?" BINGO.
From that point forward this boy and I were able to work through his feelings about his mother's death. He was afraid to go on about his own life and be happy because he didn't want to be unfair or mean to his mom in heaven. He was working so hard to keep himself together at school and not let his feelings spill out that he was acting out at home. As we did activities to let go of his mom and say goodbye to her (including sailing a boat down Brush Creek) he began to see that it was ok to be happy and go on living his life. His poor behavior at home is now nearly gone (expect for normal boy behavior). :)
I am passionate about this process for kids. I'm not sure there are many things more important than helping children sort through what is going on inside them. EVERY child needs play therapy at some point in their childhood- not just the ones who have been through a trauma. As parents the gift of teaching our kids not just to cope but thrive through difficult feelings is an incredible gift to give them.
My sessions with children are 30 minutes. I then meet with the parents for 20 minutes to explain what I am seeing and make suggestions for home. I believe God gave me the creative ability to tap into what is going on with kids inside, and I am consistently honored when parents allow me to do so with their child.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Kids and Divorce
I was quoted in an article! I speak from both professional and personal experience about the important topic of divorce and kids.
http://parentingsquad.com/talking-to-kids-about-divorce
http://parentingsquad.com/talking-to-kids-about-divorce
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