Often the couples I see are stuck in a getting rut. I'm not getting my needs met in this relationship!! I need more time with him or sex with her. I need more connection with him or respect from her. She needs to go back to work to earn more for us or he needs to give me more thoughtful gifts! Couples literally get caught in this cycle. I hear it all day long. He needs to help with the kids more and be a more engaged parent! She has let herself go and needs to spruce things up a bit! Like two year olds (or at my house three year olds because my boys were still nice at age 2) in the midst of a tantrum one or both parties in the couple are saying, "I'M NOT GETTING MY NEEDS MET!"
What I encourage couples to do, and I what I am trying to do with my kids, with my family, and in dating is to shift your focus. First make a gratitude list for the things the other person does give you. Laughter? Fun? Stability? Commitment? Memories? Financial security? Affection? Children? Great sex? Conversation? Even with the most distant couples there are a few things to be grateful for. Write them down.
Next I encourage couples to think about a need they have. This is the easy part. I need him to work less and spend more time with this family! I need her to have sex with me three times a week! Then I encourage each person to slow down long enough to think about what the other person needs in their specific situation. This is where the room gets silent for awhile. For example a man/woman that has to work all the time might need respect, appreciation, an encouraging text before a big meeting, low-key weekends or time away from the office, you to take their car for an oil change because they don't have time, etc. Someone that doesn't want to have sex very often might need some encouraging words, thoughtful gestures, help with the kids, a new dress, etc.
Now imagine what could happen when the focus shifts to the other person. Do you think a man who needs to work all the time may want to come home earlier if he knew his wife respected him, had tried to create a stress free environment, and sent him some encouragement that day? Do you think a woman who doesn't feel very sexy might be a little more able to be with her husband if he had given her a massage gift card and taken the kids for an afternoon?
Obviously these are stereotypical examples and obviously sometimes things are more complicated than this. Am I encouraging anyone to keep meeting the other person's needs if they get nothing in return over time? Of course not. Am I saying someone who was abused should feel like they have to sleep with their spouse because he gave her a massage card? Of course not. But I am saying that this Christmas season it might be fun to shift your focus to giving. What could you do for your spouse right now that would help you shift away from just getting your own needs met?
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