Speak the Positive

I've learned a very valuable lesson from my son's 1st grade teacher this year: Speak the Positive.  My normally well behaved son came home with a S- on his report card after the first quarter of 1st grade.  After I got over the urge to tell him we don't earn minuses in this house or figure out how this must surely be his dad's fault I decided to go chat with his teacher.  She informed me that my son was acting silly constantly and distracting other kids from getting their work done.  "Oh NO!" I thought.  "What are we going to do!?"  I pictured having to pay private school tuition.  I pictured my son going to the special school for kids with behavior problems.  I pictured paying someone a lot of money to do play therapy with him since his own therapist mom apparently wasn't getting the job done.  Sensing my panic, his teacher told me she was going to start praising him for every positive thing he did in class.  "That's IT?" I thought.  There was no way that was going to work.

My conference with my son's teacher was on a Friday.  All weekend I talked to him about how we can't be silly at school, only sometimes at home.  I brought home my self control workbooks from work and did activities with him about controlling his silliness.  We made a silly meter so he could monitor how silly he was getting and see if it was over the line.  We talked about how some silly ideas you have to keep to yourself instead of sharing with others and distracting them.  We practiced not being silly at the dinner table.  This is a NO SILLY ZONE!

Monday morning came.  The seven minute carpool to school was basically a sermon on not being silly.  All day I was nervous.  Was he going to act out today?  Was this the pre-cursor to some huge problem down the road?  Was my son going to ask me to bring him cigarettes in jail someday?  I nervously drove up to the circle drive at 3:10pm to pick him up from school that afternoon.  His teacher was sitting with him.  "Oh God."  As we approached my older son with his teacher my younger son body checked a kid he knows. "This is it," I thought. "She and everyone else here are about to tell me both my sons are problems and I am a horrible mother."  

His teacher smiled.  My son had a great day.  And that day was the beginning of months of good days since. Astonished I asked him what made the difference.  Surely it was my PhD level play therapy books and exercises the weekend before or getting his dad to spend extra time with him or creating a special outing for him in the weekend.  "Oh," he said "Mrs. J told me all these awesome things I was doing today!"  WHAT? THAT'S IT?

Over the next few weeks I started copying Mrs. J.  Every. Single. Positive. Thing. he did I spoke aloud.  "I see you are sitting quietly playing the iPad instead of rubbing snot on your brother-that's great!" "I'm so grateful you took your dish to the sink without being asked- thank you!" "I see you ate your bagel- great job!" "You made a basket in your game today-yea!"  I've been ignoring everything else.  The fact that he was rubbing snot on his brother right before, that I had to ask 3x on Tuesday night to take his plate to the sink before he took it Wednesday, that there were green beans on his plate along with his bagel, and that he could make a lot more baskets if he would practice.

As I've shifted my focus away from pointing out anything wrong and toward pointing out everything I can he is doing right I've seen a positive change in him.  He is more willing to do the things I ask him to do.  He speaks more positively to his brother.  He is able to get his silliness under control when needed.  It's amazing to me that such a simple shift has made such a profound impact.  As parents we often get in a rut of pointing out only what is going wrong.  It's easy to focus on all the stuff our kid needs to improve.  But what about all the stuff they are doing well?  When's the last time you told them so?

Giving Over Getting

God has to literally attack on all angles to teach me a lesson.  Over and over again I seem to not get the point unless I am learning it at work, with my kids, and in my personal life.  The latest lesson I am apparently supposed to learn is to focus on giving to other people rather than getting my needs met.  

Often the couples I see are stuck in a getting rut.  I'm not getting my needs met in this relationship!! I need more time with him or sex with her.  I need more connection with him or respect from her.  She needs to go back to work to earn more for us or he needs to give me more thoughtful gifts!  Couples literally get caught in this cycle.  I hear it all day long.  He needs to help with the kids more and be a more engaged parent! She has let herself go and needs to spruce things up a bit! Like two year olds (or at my house three year olds because my boys were still nice at age 2) in the midst of a tantrum one or both parties in the couple are saying, "I'M NOT GETTING MY NEEDS MET!" 

What I encourage couples to do, and I what I am trying to do with my kids, with my family, and in dating is to shift your focus.  First make a gratitude list for the things the other person does give you.  Laughter? Fun? Stability? Commitment? Memories? Financial security? Affection? Children? Great sex? Conversation? Even with the most distant couples there are a few things to be grateful for.  Write them down.  

Next I encourage couples to think about a need they have.  This is the easy part.  I need him to work less and spend more time with this family!  I need her to have sex with me three times a week! Then I encourage each person to slow down long enough to think about what the other person needs in their specific situation. This is where the room gets silent for awhile. For example a man/woman that has to work all the time might need respect, appreciation, an encouraging text before a big meeting, low-key weekends or time away from the office, you to take their car for an oil change because they don't have time, etc.  Someone that doesn't want to have sex very often might need some encouraging words, thoughtful gestures, help with the kids, a new dress, etc.  

Now imagine what could happen when the focus shifts to the other person.  Do you think a man who needs to work all the time may want to come home earlier if he knew his wife respected him, had tried to create a stress free environment, and sent him some encouragement that day?  Do you think a woman who doesn't feel very sexy might be a little more able to be with her husband if he had given her a massage gift card and taken the kids for an afternoon?  

Obviously these are stereotypical examples and obviously sometimes things are more complicated than this. Am I encouraging anyone to keep meeting the other person's needs if they get nothing in return over time?  Of course not.  Am I saying someone who was abused should feel like they have to sleep with their spouse because he gave her a massage card?  Of course not.  But I am saying that this Christmas season it might be fun to shift your focus to giving.  What could you do for your spouse right now that would help you shift away from just getting your own needs met?